Ask Alex: When to Send a Thank-You Email

Should you send a thank-you email after an informal gathering?; Raising the suspicions of your boss on LinkedIn; Answering your phone at the checkout counter

What is the deal with "thank-you" emails after an informal social event? I never thought they were necessary, but I have been receiving them pretty much any time I have friends over to my place, or when I coordinate an outing. It's sweet. It's not like it bothers me. But am I behind on this one? Should I also start writing thank-you emails after someone else hosts a get-together, or are my friends being absurdly formal?

No Thank You

First of all, congratulations. It sounds like you have very nice friends. That said, you shouldn't expect to receive a thank-you email if you've organized an informal gathering, and you certainly shouldn't be expected to send one if you're an attendee.

But I too have noticed a distinct uptick in post-party pleasantries. I recently hosted a Memorial Day barbecue, and was surprised by the number of notes I received the next day. I didn't get any actual emails (perhaps my friends aren't quite as nice as yours), but almost everyone that came responded to the original invite on Facebook to say what a good time they had. Someone suggested it become a new summer tradition, and someone else just sent nine smiley-bear-face emojis. Thoughtful? Yes. Appreciated? Absolutely. Expected? Not at all.

I actually like this move towards formality (well, as formal as a bunch of emojis can get, anyway). For all the times the Internet can pull us apart as everyone checks their phone at the dinner table, it's nice to know there's still some humanity in there as well. But I think we're still at a point where the thank-you email is optional rather than obligatory. If you remember to send one, it can't hurt, but if you don't, it was never expected in the first place.

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I'm connected with my boss on LinkedIn. If I suddenly start updating my profile and making more connections, will my boss become suspicious that I'm looking for another job?

LookingOut

It depends on your boss. If you have a "cool boss," he or she probably isn't checking LinkedIn often enough to know that you've changed anything anyway. And if they are, perhaps it's because they're looking for a new job, too.

But if your boss' personality can best be described as Type A, then yeah, you may want to roll some of these changes out a bit more slowly. A few new connections here and some profile tweaks there will probably fly under the radar (unless your boss is a complete freak, that is). But tons of new connections with people at rival companies and a complete profile overhaul will likely sound some alarms.

But then again, if you're unhappy in your current position, maybe it isn't such a bad thing for your boss to know that you've got other options. If you feel underpaid or undervalued, perhaps it's because you are. And if your boss pokes around enough to see there are other people interested in you, it might help them realize what a valuable asset you are.

On the other hand, if you're looking for a new job because it's your boss that's the problem, you probably want to steer clear of further agitating him or her with a deluge of self-promotion. Stagger your online activity over a period of time, and good luck getting out of there.

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I feel like whenever I call my mom, she's either answering from the checkout line at the grocery store, at the salon getting her hair done, or making a deposit at the bank. I think it's rude to talk on the phone when you're interacting with someone else, and I've told her as much, but she doesn't think it's a problem. Who's right?

Chatty at Checkout

You are. She might be right about almost everything else, but in this case your mom is flat-out wrong.

Even if you're not going to have a conversation with the cashier at the grocery store, they shouldn't have to interrupt your personal phone call to ask how you'd like to pay. It's really just a matter of common decency and respect.

Tell your mom to think about it this way: How would she feel if she were at the bank, and the teller carried out a conversation with a nearby colleague the entire time she stood there, with little more than a head nod to acknowledgment her presence. If your mom is anything like mine, that would drive her crazy enough to think twice about where she takes her calls.

And if that doesn't work, text before you call next time. Just make sure to ask if she's really free to talk.

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